i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
