How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
