you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
