Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize