I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
