dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
