I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
