I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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