i think i have two assholes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
