He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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