It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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