We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
