I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The feeling are messing with the penis
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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