Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
