yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
