Who did Billy Mays play for?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
