Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
