I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
