Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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