Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We have started to decorate penises.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
