Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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