you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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