Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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