So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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