Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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