I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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