things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
