the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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