genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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