I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
