this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im six kinds of drunk right now
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
