Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
