yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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