Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
