I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
