I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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