mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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