threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
