pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
