Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
