I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
