remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize