So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I need to sanitize my soul.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
