Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
