I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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