I just cut my nipple shaving
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
