Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
