I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
