fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize