but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Pants are for mortals
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
