he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
