im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
