There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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