oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize