Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
