im holly from the hills drunk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
