maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
