Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
