It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
