Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
