In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
