Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
