Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
