Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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