I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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