I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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